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Perspective.
I would like to be beautiful someday.
Needing motivation.

Ate like complete crap, guaranteed gaining of weight cause i worked more than i had time to work out, and didnt get to weigh myself this morning.

help? really need it guys.

I’m just going to leave this here.

I’m bored waiting for Amanda so I’m taking pictures.. don’t judge!

I’m bored waiting for Amanda so I’m taking pictures.. don’t judge!

When I get really annoyed.

The best thing to do is to just let me be and calm down. I’ll talk about it when I’m ready, trust me I will. I just need some time to let it settle or ill go off.

I am so happy right now.

I have always been “bigger’ than all the other kids. Always. Whether it was taller, or chubbier than all the other kids, I was always, different. As I’ve grown up, I’ve grown out. My hips are wide, my butt is big, my breasts are large. But I have never had a flat stomach, small arms, or been called “skinny.” This has tormented me for years, always feeling like the reason I wasn’t popular or the reason my friends got all the boys was because I was too tall, or too chubby. I was the one with their arms crossed when they sat down, and the one that always turned to the side in pictures. Up until today, this was all still true. Except, I have a boyfriend who I care for dearly, and who loves all of my curves.

I’ve been seeing all these posts about girls, bigger than I am, who are in love with their bodies. If they can love what they were given, then so can I. My size will never be small. I am never going to be a twig. I’m never going to be a size zero, and I’m okay with that. Yeah, I wish my stomach was flatter and that my thighs were smaller. But I am the way I am for a reason. All I can do with what God has blessed me with is work it! So you know what? I’m going to. I know that it won’t always be easy and that there will be days where I still am uncomfortable in my skin, but I will persevere. I am strong.

So today is day one. Today, I love myself. I love my curves, and my body. Today, I won’t let anyone make me feel like I’m not good enough because I’m bigger than what these days is considered “beautiful.”

because I AM beautiful.

Reflection.

I’ve seen statuses all week about how 2011 was terrible and they hated it and just KNOW that 2012 will be better. But to be honest, I don’t think that there is a single person who can say that all 365 days of this past year were terrible for the full 100% 24 hours that there were in a day. Don’t get me wrong, I had a tough year emotionally. But this past year wasn’t absolutely terrible. There were parts of it yes, that were very difficult, such as losing a friend to suicide, losing a best friends mother to cancer, dealing with the emotional difficulties of being cheated on and how to recover and become stronger from it, and losing important friendships. But there were also times of absolute happiness. For example graduating high school, turning 18, getting a new car, spending hours upon hours laughing with friends and family, and meeting my current boyfriend Camron towards the end of it. This year, I learned who I really am. I took trips and explored parts of myself that I never addressed. I became strong. I learned who to trust and who not to trust. I found a solid friend base that I had never had before. This year wasn’t absolutely amazing, but it wasn’t the worst year of my life, either. I gained and lost the trust of my parents, I drank a few more times than I should have, I made a lot of mistakes. But even though those things crushed me, even though I bawled my eyes out, I don’t regret it at all. I am who I am because of the experiences and trials that I have been through this year. My relationship with God has been severely altered, to the point where now I don’t know if I can say I’m a Christian. I believe in God, that he is there, in me, always willing to listen to me and is directing my life. I know that he will never bring me into a situation that I cannot get through. He won’t lead me to something only to leave me there. My faith, though different, is still there. I am no where near where I was last year. I have become a new person. I have become.. happy. I have become strong. 2011 was a year of difficulty, but it was my best year yet and I cannot wait to see where 2012 takes me.

Here is a picture of my face from Christmas.

Eat your hearts out.

Just kidding, I’m not THAT pretty, or conceited. Hahaha

Here is a picture of my face from Christmas.

Eat your hearts out.

Just kidding, I’m not THAT pretty, or conceited. Hahaha

Not Good Enough.

I have spent the last year feeling like I am and will never be good enough for anyone or anything. Why? Because when I was completely dropped like a sack of potatoes after 2 years of dating someone for another girl, that’s what I was made to believe. It has, over the year, made things extremely difficult, both with relationships, and in life. When something goes wrong with a boy, it’s always my fault, because I’m not good enough. I wasnt good enough for them and they moved on or I wasnt enough as a person, for them. Even though i know that it’s really THEM with the problem and not me.

I bring this up because tonight, yet again, it got in the way.

I havent really talked a whole lot about Camron, my boyfriend, because I dont know how to put into words how I feel or how to describe him. He is everything I could ever ask for. He is understanding, funny, adorable, loving, the most caring person I’ve ever met, amazing, wonderful… Indescribable. He is in our relationship 100% for me, his goal in the relationship and what he wants to do? Make me the happiest girl in the world. If there’s ever a time where I’m sad all he does is get upset. why? because I’m upset, that’s it. Not because of something I said or did, but because i’m upset or worrying. He handles my worrying and sadness with ease, as if it is nothing. He knows exactly when to hold my hand or put his arm around me or hand on my leg. He comforts me without knowing. He holds doors open for me, he hugs my mom and shakes my father’s hand, hello and goodbye, and in between. He calls them “Dan and Angela” and they, surprisingly, dont care. He gets along with my family and cousins, and my mom likes him quite a bit. She said “Myygut feeling is that he is a good person and a genuine person” She has good feelings about him, rather then the bad that she never expressed to me til later. He is.. my wonderful man.

ANYWAYS, now that I’ve given you the sappy overview… let me continue.

Tonight, a couple (Going to stay unnamed) things happened, and I was very quiet after dropping shawn off and he pulled over a block away from shawn’s, turned the car off, held my hand and asked me what was wrong and why I was being so quiet. We talked a little and then we went to my house where we continued our talk. I explained to him how I dont know how I got so lucky to deserve someone like him. He’s great and loving and wonderful and helpful and just everything and, shocker, I didnt understand how I could deserve him because i’ve come to believe that I’m Not Good Enough.

All he had to say?

"Babe, I want to make you feel beautiful, I want to make you feel amazing, I never want you sad, I want to show you that you ARE good enough, because you ARE good enough." And left it at that, sealed with a pinky promise and a kiss.

I got a good one. <3

its collddd. mossy oak blanket for the win!

its collddd. mossy oak blanket for the win!