I am so happy right now.
I have always been “bigger’ than all the other kids. Always. Whether it was taller, or chubbier than all the other kids, I was always, different. As I’ve grown up, I’ve grown out. My hips are wide, my butt is big, my breasts are large. But I have never had a flat stomach, small arms, or been called “skinny.” This has tormented me for years, always feeling like the reason I wasn’t popular or the reason my friends got all the boys was because I was too tall, or too chubby. I was the one with their arms crossed when they sat down, and the one that always turned to the side in pictures. Up until today, this was all still true. Except, I have a boyfriend who I care for dearly, and who loves all of my curves.
I’ve been seeing all these posts about girls, bigger than I am, who are in love with their bodies. If they can love what they were given, then so can I. My size will never be small. I am never going to be a twig. I’m never going to be a size zero, and I’m okay with that. Yeah, I wish my stomach was flatter and that my thighs were smaller. But I am the way I am for a reason. All I can do with what God has blessed me with is work it! So you know what? I’m going to. I know that it won’t always be easy and that there will be days where I still am uncomfortable in my skin, but I will persevere. I am strong.
So today is day one. Today, I love myself. I love my curves, and my body. Today, I won’t let anyone make me feel like I’m not good enough because I’m bigger than what these days is considered “beautiful.”
because I AM beautiful.
I’ve seen statuses all week about how 2011 was terrible and they hated it and just KNOW that 2012 will be better. But to be honest, I don’t think that there is a single person who can say that all 365 days of this past year were terrible for the full 100% 24 hours that there were in a day. Don’t get me wrong, I had a tough year emotionally. But this past year wasn’t absolutely terrible. There were parts of it yes, that were very difficult, such as losing a friend to suicide, losing a best friends mother to cancer, dealing with the emotional difficulties of being cheated on and how to recover and become stronger from it, and losing important friendships. But there were also times of absolute happiness. For example graduating high school, turning 18, getting a new car, spending hours upon hours laughing with friends and family, and meeting my current boyfriend Camron towards the end of it. This year, I learned who I really am. I took trips and explored parts of myself that I never addressed. I became strong. I learned who to trust and who not to trust. I found a solid friend base that I had never had before. This year wasn’t absolutely amazing, but it wasn’t the worst year of my life, either. I gained and lost the trust of my parents, I drank a few more times than I should have, I made a lot of mistakes. But even though those things crushed me, even though I bawled my eyes out, I don’t regret it at all. I am who I am because of the experiences and trials that I have been through this year. My relationship with God has been severely altered, to the point where now I don’t know if I can say I’m a Christian. I believe in God, that he is there, in me, always willing to listen to me and is directing my life. I know that he will never bring me into a situation that I cannot get through. He won’t lead me to something only to leave me there. My faith, though different, is still there. I am no where near where I was last year. I have become a new person. I have become.. happy. I have become strong. 2011 was a year of difficulty, but it was my best year yet and I cannot wait to see where 2012 takes me.